Supporting Siblings of Children with Autism: A Maryland Parent’s Guide to Balancing Family Needs

When Your Neurotypical Child Feels Invisible: Understanding the Sibling Experience in Autism Families

Your daughter asks if she can have a friend over after school. Before you can answer, your son with autism begins struggling because his after-school snack routine has changed. By the time you help him regulate, reassure him, and get him settled, twenty minutes have passed. You turn back to your daughter, but she’s already in her room with the door closed. “Never mind,” she says through the door. “It’s fine.”

But it’s not fine. You can hear it in her voice. And your heart aches for both of them.

Your son needed you in that moment. His distress was real, his need for support genuine. And your daughter needed you too. Her disappointment matters just as much. Both children deserve your attention, your love, your presence. The challenge isn’t choosing which child matters more. It’s figuring out how to meet both their needs when those needs sometimes compete for the same limited resource: you.

You see it in the way your daughter has stopped asking for help with homework. In how quickly she says “yes” when you need her to keep an eye on her brother for just a few minutes. In the way she makes herself small and quiet, trying not to add to your already overwhelming load. She’s learned to manage her own needs, and while her independence seems helpful, you wonder if she’s had to grow up too fast.

At the same time, you’re deeply aware that your son isn’t getting “special treatment” or being “spoiled.” He’s getting the support he needs to navigate a world that isn’t designed for the way his brain works. The extra time, attention, and accommodations aren’t indulgences. They’re necessary. And yet, you can see how it might look and feel to your daughter, who doesn’t have the full picture of what autism means for her brother.

You love both your children fiercely. You’re doing everything you can to support your son’s development through ABA therapy services while also being present for your daughter. But somehow, it never feels like enough for either of them.

For Maryland parents raising a child with autism, the reality of divided attention is one of the most emotionally complex aspects of family life. Research from the Organization for Autism Research shows that siblings of children with autism often feel overlooked, while parents struggle with guilt about never having enough of themselves to go around. At the same time, these same siblings often develop exceptional empathy, resilience, and maturity. And when siblings are well-supported, they become one of the most powerful positive influences in their brother or sister’s life.

At The Learning Tree ABA, we work with families throughout Baltimore, Montgomery, Howard, Prince George’s, and Carroll counties who navigate this delicate balance daily. We understand that supporting siblings isn’t about taking away from your child with autism. It’s about creating a family environment where everyone can thrive, which ultimately benefits your child with autism too.

This comprehensive guide will help you recognize when siblings are struggling, understand what both children need, and create practical strategies to ensure every child in your family feels seen, valued, and loved.

Understanding What Siblings of Children with Autism Experience

Before you can effectively support your children, it’s helpful to understand the unique position siblings of children with autism occupy.

The Reality of Being a Sibling to a Child with Autism

Research shows that siblings of children with autism have unique experiences that differ from typical sibling relationships, bringing both challenges and unexpected gifts. Understanding what they observe and feel helps you support them more effectively.

What they observe:

• Their sibling genuinely struggling with things that seem easy to them
• Parents working hard to help their sibling learn and grow through structured ABA therapy
• Their sibling needing different types of support and accommodations
• Family rhythms that may differ from their friends’ families
• Both difficult moments and beautiful breakthroughs

The complex feelings they experience:

• Deep love and protectiveness toward their sibling
• Pride in their sibling’s achievements, even small ones
• Confusion about why certain things are so hard for their sibling
• Sometimes jealousy about the attention required (which is normal)
• Occasional embarrassment in public (followed by guilt for feeling embarrassed)
• Natural frustration when plans change (while understanding why)
• Worry about their sibling’s wellbeing and future

What they may not express:

• “I love my sibling, but sometimes I don’t understand why they act that way”
• “I want to help, but I don’t always know how”
• “Sometimes I feel left out, but I also see how hard my sibling is working”
• “I’m proud of my sibling’s progress, even when others don’t notice”
• “I wish I could explain to my friends what autism really means”
• “I want to talk about my feelings, but I don’t want to make things harder for you”

Understanding these experiences helps you support your neurotypical child while also helping them develop compassion and a genuine, healthy relationship with their sibling.

How Sibling Relationships Benefit Both Children with Autism and Neurotypical Siblings

While it’s important to acknowledge challenges, research from the Sibling Support Project consistently shows that sibling relationships in autism families can be deeply rewarding for both children.

What neurotypical siblings often develop:

• Increased empathy and compassion for all people
• Greater maturity and emotional intelligence
• Enhanced problem-solving and flexibility
• Deeper appreciation for differences and neurodiversity
• Strong advocacy skills that serve them throughout life
• Pride in their sibling’s achievements and unique strengths
• A special bond built on genuine understanding

What children with autism gain from supportive siblings:

• Natural opportunities for social learning in a safe environment
• Patient playmates who understand their communication style
• Advocates who can help explain their needs to others
• Consistent companionship and acceptance
• Models for social skills and peer interaction
• Someone who sees them as a whole person, not just a diagnosis

When siblings are well-supported, they become one of the most powerful positive influences in a child with autism’s life. Research shows that positive sibling interactions can significantly improve social functioning and skill development for children with autism. The goal isn’t to eliminate all challenges. It’s to provide enough support that the natural bond between siblings can flourish, benefiting both children.

Why Supporting Siblings Helps Your Child with Autism: Understanding the Family Dynamic

Before diving into specific strategies, it’s essential to recognize that meeting your neurotypical child’s needs doesn’t mean reducing support for your child with autism. In fact, the opposite is often true.

How Well-Supported Siblings Create Better Outcomes for Children with Autism

When siblings feel supported and understood:

• They’re more patient and compassionate with their brother or sister
• They become willing partners in play and learning
• They develop genuine relationships rather than resentment
• They’re more likely to advocate for their sibling at school and in the community
• They create positive social opportunities for their sibling
• They model appropriate interactions for peers to follow

When siblings feel neglected or resentful:

• They may withdraw from family interactions
• Play and sibling bonding become strained or nonexistent
• They may struggle to explain or defend their sibling to others
• Family stress increases, affecting everyone including your child with autism
• Important natural learning opportunities are lost

The reality is this: Your child with autism benefits enormously when their siblings feel valued, informed, and emotionally supported. Healthy sibling relationships are one of the most powerful resources your child with autism will have throughout their life.

Why Equal Attention Doesn’t Mean Equal Time in Autism Families

Many parents exhaust themselves trying to give equal time to each child. But that’s not what children need, and it’s not realistic given that autism requires intensive support.

What children actually need:

• To feel equally loved and valued
• To have their individual needs recognized and addressed
• To know their feelings and experiences matter
• To receive attention that’s predictable and protected
• To understand why things are different (not just that they are)

Your child with autism may need more of your time and energy. That’s reality, and it’s okay. But your neurotypical child needs to understand that reality in a way that doesn’t make them feel less important. They need to see that different needs require different supports, and that you’re committed to meeting everyone’s needs even when the balance looks different.

Warning Signs: How to Recognize When Siblings of Children with Autism Are Struggling

Sometimes siblings won’t tell you directly that they’re having a hard time. Watch for these signs:

Behavioral Changes That Signal Sibling Distress

Acting out or regressing:

• Increased tantrums or emotional outbursts (especially in younger children)
• Return to behaviors they’d outgrown (bed-wetting, baby talk, clinginess)
• Aggressive behavior toward the sibling with autism
• Defiant or oppositional behavior with parents
• Getting in trouble at school when they previously didn’t

Withdrawal:

• Spending increasing amounts of time alone in their room
• Declining invitations from friends
• Reluctance to participate in family activities
• Avoiding conversations about feelings or family
• Loss of interest in activities they previously enjoyed

Emotional Indicators Your Neurotypical Child Needs Support

Expressed or observed feelings:

• Frequent expressions of sadness or crying
• Statements like “nobody cares about me” or “I don’t matter”
• Anxiety about leaving parents alone with their sibling
• Fear of bringing friends home or talking about their sibling
• Expressions of guilt for having negative feelings
• Complaints of physical symptoms (headaches, stomachaches) without medical cause

Academic and Social Changes in Siblings of Children with Autism

School performance:

• Declining grades despite ability
• Teacher reports of inattention or withdrawal
• Refusing to participate in school activities
• Difficulty concentrating on homework

Peer relationships:

• Avoiding social situations
• Not inviting friends over
• Being secretive about family life
• Difficulty forming or maintaining friendships
• Social isolation

The “Overly Perfect” Child: When Being Too Good Is a Warning Sign

Sometimes struggle looks like being too good:

• Never causing problems or asking for help
• Taking on excessive responsibility for their sibling
• Hiding their own needs and feelings
• Being the “easy” child who never complains
• Excelling at everything to compensate for family stress
• Never expressing normal developmental opposition or individuality

This apparent perfection can be just as concerning as acting out. These children are suppressing normal needs and emotions, which can lead to problems later.

What Siblings of Children with Autism Need From Parents

Understanding what your neurotypical children need helps you target your support effectively.

Age-Appropriate Autism Education for Siblings

Why information builds understanding and empathy:

• Developmentally appropriate information can buffer the negative effects of potentially stressful events
• Knowledge reduces fear and confusion about behaviors
• Understanding builds empathy rather than resentment
• Information helps them explain autism to friends accurately
• Education empowers them to be supportive advocates

How to provide meaningful information about autism:

• Start conversations early, before questions become misconceptions
• Use concrete examples from their sibling’s experiences
• Focus on helping them see their sibling as a whole person with unique strengths
• Explain why certain things are hard and what helps
• Answer questions honestly and revisit as understanding grows
• Use books and resources designed for siblings (see resource section)

Example conversations that build understanding:

• “Remember how loud the cafeteria was at lunch? For your brother, it feels like that all the time in a regular classroom. That’s why he needs a quiet space to learn.”
• “Your sister isn’t ignoring you when you say hi. Her brain is focused on something else, and switching attention is really hard for her. Try getting closer and saying her name first.”
• “When your brother lines up his cars, he’s not being stubborn. That pattern helps his brain feel organized and calm. It’s actually a strength that helps him.”

Why One-on-One Time Is Critical for Siblings in Autism Families

Why individual attention matters:

• Sends the message that they matter just as much
• Provides opportunity to discuss feelings privately
• Creates space for their interests and needs
• Builds strong parent-child bond independent of autism
• Gives them a break from sibling dynamics

What individual attention looks like:

• Dedicated time with each parent separately
• Activities based on their interests, not autism-related
• Regular, predictable special time (not just occasional)
• Undivided attention without phone or sibling interruptions
• Celebrating their achievements and milestones

Permission to Have Complex Feelings About Their Sibling with Autism

All feelings are valid, even contradictory ones:

• Deep love for their sibling AND frustration with disruptions
• Pride in their sibling’s progress AND disappointment when plans change
• Understanding why their sibling needs support AND wishing for more parental attention
• Wanting to help their sibling AND needing their own space
• Compassion for their sibling’s struggles AND embarrassment in certain situations
• Acceptance of differences AND grief over things that feel unfair

How to validate all feelings:

• “It makes complete sense that you’re frustrated the playdate got cancelled. Your brother needed help, and you’re disappointed. Both things are true.”
• “You can love your sister and still feel embarrassed when she makes loud noises at the store. Those feelings can exist together.”
• “I can see you’re proud of how hard your brother is working and also sad that we missed your concert. Both your feelings matter.”

What not to do:

• Minimize their feelings (“You shouldn’t feel that way” or “It’s not that bad”)
• Compare suffering (“Your sibling has it harder than you”)
• Create guilt (“How can you say that about your own brother?”)
• Dismiss concerns (“You’re being dramatic” or “You’re too young to understand”)

The goal: Help siblings understand that having complicated feelings about their sibling and family situation is completely normal and doesn’t make them bad people. They can have empathy for their sibling’s challenges AND acknowledge their own disappointments.

Protecting Sibling Identity and Independence

Why siblings need their own lives:

• Separate activities and interests from their sibling
• Friendships that are theirs alone
• School experiences not defined by their sibling
• Age-appropriate responsibilities (not excessive caregiving)
• Future plans that are truly their choice

Why this matters:

• Prevents role confusion (sibling vs. caretaker)
• Allows normal development and identity formation
• Reduces resentment
• Prepares them for healthy adult boundaries

Physical and Emotional Safety for Siblings

What safety looks like:

• Protection from aggressive behaviors
• Safe spaces they can retreat to
• Clear plans for managing dangerous situations
• Reassurance that they will be kept safe
• Permission to remove themselves from unsafe situations

How to provide safety:

• Create physical safe spaces (locked bedroom, safe room)
• Have clear safety plans siblings understand
• Never expect siblings to manage dangerous behaviors alone
• Address aggressive behaviors seriously with your ABA therapy team
• Validate their fear and take it seriously

Practical Strategies for Balancing Attention in Maryland Autism Families

Theory is helpful, but you need concrete actions you can implement in your Maryland home.

Strategy 1: Schedule Protected One-on-One Time with Neurotypical Siblings

Make it non-negotiable:

• Put it on the calendar like any other important appointment
• Commit to specific times each week
• Don’t cancel except for genuine emergencies
• If you must cancel, reschedule immediately

How to make it happen:

• Coordinate with your partner to cover your child with autism
• Use respite care if you’re a single parent
• Trade childcare with another autism parent
• Consider using Maryland Autism Waiver respite services if enrolled
• Start with 30 minutes if that’s all you can manage

What to do during this time:

• Let your neurotypical child choose the activity
• Put your phone away completely
• Avoid talking about their sibling or autism
• Focus entirely on them
• Make it fun and positive

Strategy 2: Create Understanding Around Different Needs in Autism Families

Fairness doesn’t mean identical treatment:

• Each child gets what they need to thrive
• Different brains require different supports
• Accommodations aren’t “special treatment” but necessary support
• Everyone contributes based on their abilities

How to explain differences compassionately:

• Frame accommodations as meeting needs, not giving advantages
• Help siblings see the work their brother or sister is doing
• Explain how supports help their sibling access what comes naturally to them
• Make it clear that you would provide whatever support they needed too

Example conversations:

• “Your brother gets extra time to transition because his brain needs more time to process changes. Just like you get extra help with reading because it’s harder for you. Everyone gets help with what’s hard for them.”
• “When your sister uses her AAC device, she’s working just as hard to communicate as you do when you talk. The device helps her share her thoughts like your mouth helps you.”
• “Your brother isn’t getting out of chores. He does different ones that match what he can do, just like when you were younger you had easier chores. He’s contributing to the family in his own way.”

Maintaining appropriate expectations:

• Apply behavior rules consistently where children understand them
• Don’t excuse intentionally hurtful behavior from any child
• Give all children age and ability-appropriate responsibilities
• Ensure neurotypical children aren’t doing a sibling’s chores
• Celebrate everyone’s contributions

Teaching empathy through understanding: When siblings understand WHY their brother or sister needs different supports, they develop compassion rather than resentment. They begin to recognize that autism creates real challenges that require real accommodations, not that their sibling is getting preferential treatment.

Strategy 3: Foster Genuine Sibling Connection in Autism Families

The goal is real relationship, not forced interaction:

• Siblings who genuinely enjoy each other benefit both children
• Forced “help” creates resentment, not connection
• Natural play is more valuable than structured teaching
• Quality matters more than quantity

How to encourage authentic connection:

• Find activities both children genuinely enjoy together
• Let siblings interact on their own terms when possible
• Celebrate moments of connection without making them a big deal
• Help siblings understand each other’s communication styles
• Create opportunities for fun, not just therapy

Include siblings in understanding, not in therapy work:

• Share what their sibling is working on in therapy (age-appropriately)
• Explain why certain strategies help their sibling
• Let them see the progress and celebrate achievements together
• Ask their observations about what helps their sibling
• Include them in IEP meetings if they’re interested (older children)

What not to do:

• Make them responsible for teaching or therapy
• Expect them to always include their sibling in play
• Guilt them into interaction (“Your brother wants to play with you”)
• Turn their relationship into a therapeutic intervention
• Share details they’re not ready to hear or understand

Example of healthy involvement:

• “Your sister is learning to ask for what she wants instead of crying. If she pulls you toward the toy shelf, you could ask ‘Do you want to show me something?’ and wait for her to point or use her device.”
• “Your brother is working on taking turns. When you play together, you could use a timer like his therapist does. It helps him know when his turn will come.”

When siblings understand their brother or sister better, they can interact more successfully. This creates genuine positive experiences for both children rather than forced togetherness that feels like work.

Strategy 4: Help Siblings Advocate for Their Brother or Sister with Autism

Siblings need tools and permission:

• Age-appropriate language to explain autism
• Permission to share or not share about their sibling
• Responses that feel authentic, not scripted
• Understanding that advocacy comes from love, not obligation

Example scripts that emphasize strengths:

• “My brother has autism. His brain works differently, which makes some things harder and some things easier. He’s really good at remembering things and building with blocks.”
• “My sister has autism, so she doesn’t talk with words. She uses a device that talks for her, kind of like how you might use your phone to text.”
• “My brother gets overwhelmed by loud noises. It’s not that he’s being bad, his ears just hear things differently than yours.”

When siblings feel embarrassed:

• Validate the feeling without shame: “It’s okay that you felt embarrassed. Lots of siblings do sometimes.”
• Help them understand their sibling’s perspective: “Your sister wasn’t trying to embarrass you. She was overwhelmed and needed help.”
• Build pride alongside empathy: “I noticed you helped your brother find a quiet spot. That was really caring of you.”
• Discuss privately, never in front of their sibling

Creating choice, not obligation:

• Siblings can decide whether to explain autism to friends
• They can choose how much detail to share
• They can have friends over when they’re ready
• They don’t have to educate everyone they meet

Supporting authentic relationships: When siblings genuinely understand and appreciate their brother or sister, advocacy comes naturally. The goal isn’t to train them to defend autism. It’s to help them develop real understanding so they can authentically explain their sibling when they choose to.

Strategy 5: Connect Siblings with Other Autism Sibling Support Groups

The power of peer support:

• Sibling support groups help children realize they’re not alone
• Talking with others who understand validates their experience
• They learn coping strategies from peers
• Creates friendships with shared understanding

Maryland sibling support resources:

• Pathfinders for Autism – Maryland-based support organization offering family programs
• Autism Society of Maryland – Family support services and workshops
• Contact your child’s school about sibling support programs
• Consider family autism support groups that include sibling components
• Sibshops – Recreational support groups for siblings

Benefits of connection:

• Reduced feelings of isolation
• Normalized feelings and experiences
• Peer modeling of healthy coping
• Fun activities with understanding peers

Strategy 6: Protect Special Events for Siblings of Children with Autism

Make their milestones a priority:

• Attend their school performances, games, and activities
• Celebrate their birthdays separately from sibling events
• Give their accomplishments equal attention and celebration
• Don’t let autism crises override their important moments

How to make this work:

• Plan ahead for coverage of your child with autism
• Have backup plans for behavior emergencies
• Communicate clearly about your commitment to attend
• Follow through whenever humanly possible
• Apologize genuinely when you truly cannot attend, and make it up specifically

Strategy 7: Encourage Connection, Not Caretaking in Sibling Relationships

Clear messages about healthy sibling roles:

• “You’re the brother/sister, and that relationship is special and important”
• “Helping your sibling sometimes is kind, but it’s not your job to be the teacher”
• “Your job is to be a kid and do kid things. We’ll handle the adult responsibilities”
• “We love when you play together, but you can always say no if you need your own time”

The difference between helping and caretaking:

Healthy sibling support:

• Playing together when both children want to
• Showing their sibling how to do something during natural play
• Helping occasionally when asked by a parent
• Looking out for their sibling in age-appropriate ways
• Defending their sibling against teasing or bullying
• Including their sibling sometimes, but not always

Unhealthy caretaking:

• Being left in charge while parents are busy
• Expected to manage behavior or prevent meltdowns
• Giving up activities because they need to watch their sibling
• Feeling responsible for their sibling’s happiness or progress
• Always including their sibling even when they don’t want to
• Translating or advocating without choice

Why this distinction matters:

• Parentification (children forced into parent roles) harms development
• Reasonable helping builds empathy; excessive responsibility builds resentment
• Children need to be children, not junior therapists
• Healthy boundaries now create healthy adult sibling relationships

Monitoring the balance:

• Watch for siblings who never say no to helping
• Notice if they’re missing out on their own activities
• Ask them directly: “Do you feel like you have to take care of your sister?”
• Provide explicit permission to focus on their own needs

Strategy 8: Create Realistic Expectations for the Future

Address future concerns honestly:

• Talk about long-term planning for your child with autism
• Reassure siblings they’re not automatically responsible for lifelong care
• Discuss options like group homes, supported living, guardianship
• Include older siblings in future planning conversations if appropriate

What siblings worry about:

• Will they have to be the caretaker when parents are gone?
• What if they want to move away for college or career?
• How will they balance their own family with sibling needs?
• Is it okay to have their own life?

Reassuring messages:

• “We’re making plans so your sibling will have good support throughout their life”
• “You get to choose your level of involvement when you’re an adult”
• “It’s completely okay to live your own life”
• “We want you to have your own family and career”

Age-Specific Strategies for Supporting Siblings of Children with Autism

Different ages need different approaches and information.

Supporting Young Siblings of Children with Autism (Ages 3-7)

What they understand:

• Simple, concrete explanations work best
• They notice differences but don’t fully understand disability
• They may have irrational fears (like “catching” autism)
• They’re developing their own sense of fairness

How to support them:

• Use simple language: “Your brother’s brain works differently”
• Read age-appropriate books about autism together
• Reassure them they didn’t cause autism and can’t catch it
• Give them simple jobs to feel involved (if they want)
• Protect their toys and space from destructive behaviors
• Create predictable one-on-one time with parents

What they might ask:

• “Why does she do that?”
• “Will I get autism too?”
• “Why does he get to [break rules/get special things]?”

How to respond:

• Answer honestly in simple terms
• Reassure their safety and health
• Explain fairness vs. sameness
• Validate their feelings

Supporting School-Age Siblings of Children with Autism (Ages 8-12)

What they experience:

• Growing awareness of family differences from peers
• Possible embarrassment about sibling behaviors
• Questions from friends they may not know how to answer
• Increasing ability to understand autism
• May take on caretaking roles if not prevented

How to support them:

• Provide more detailed information about autism
• Help them prepare responses for friends’ questions
• Discuss handling teasing or bullying
• Ensure they have separate activities and friends
• Monitor for excessive caregiving or self-sacrifice
• Maintain protected one-on-one parent time
• Consider sibling support groups

What they might struggle with:

• Not wanting to invite friends home
• Feeling responsible for preventing meltdowns
• Embarrassment at school or public events
• Anger about missed opportunities due to sibling

How to help:

• Create opportunities for friends to visit when sibling isn’t home
• Clarify it’s not their job to manage behavior
• Validate embarrassment while teaching compassion
• Ensure they have their own activities and achievements

Supporting Teen Siblings of Children with Autism (Ages 13-18)

What they face:

• Peak embarrassment about differences from peers
• Questions about future caretaking responsibilities
• Desire for normal teen experiences and independence
• Possible guilt about wanting separate lives
• Stress about leaving for college or independent life
• Deep thinking about fairness and family dynamics

How to support them:

• Have honest conversations about long-term planning
• Emphasize their right to their own life and future
• Acknowledge the legitimate challenges they face
• Support their independence and separate identity
• Connect them with other sibling teens
• Consider individual counseling if needed
• Include them in age-appropriate family planning

What they might worry about:

• “What will happen to my sibling when my parents get old?”
• “Is it selfish to move away for college?”
• “Will I have to give up my career to be a caretaker?”
• “How will I explain my sibling to a romantic partner?”

Supportive responses:

• “You have the right to live your own life”
• “We’re making plans for your sibling’s long-term care”
• “It’s not selfish to pursue your dreams”
• “The right person will accept and understand your family”

When to Seek Professional Help for Siblings of Children with Autism

Sometimes siblings need more support than parents can provide alone.

Signs Professional Support May Help

Emotional distress:

• Persistent sadness or depression
• Anxiety that interferes with daily life
• Expressing thoughts of self-harm
• Significant changes in eating or sleeping
• Panic attacks or severe worry

Behavioral concerns:

• Aggression toward sibling that seems beyond normal sibling rivalry
• Complete withdrawal from family
• Risky behaviors or acting out
• School refusal
• Significant academic decline despite capability

Relationship problems:

• Inability to make or keep friends
• Complete avoidance of social situations
• Extreme family conflict
• Talking about running away

Professional Resources for Maryland Families

Individual counseling:

• Therapist experienced with family dynamics and autism
• Provides safe space to express all feelings
• Teaches coping strategies
• Addresses anxiety or depression

Family therapy:

• Helps entire family communicate better
• Addresses family dynamics and roles
• Teaches problem-solving strategies
• Reduces conflict

Sibling support groups:

• Led by professionals who understand autism families
• Combines peer support with therapeutic guidance
• Teaches coping skills in supportive environment
• Provides both support and fun activities

Resources for Maryland Families Supporting Siblings of Children with Autism

Books for Siblings of Children with Autism

For younger children:

• “Autism, My Sibling, and Me” (Organization for Autism Research) – Free download for ages 5-10
• “All My Stripes” by Shaina Rudolph
• “My Brother Charlie” by Holly Robinson Peete
• “The Superhero Heart” by Christel Land

For teens:

• “Life as an Autism Sibling: A Guide for Teens” (Organization for Autism Research)
• “Siblings: The Autism Spectrum Through Our Eyes” by Jane and Jennifer Gross

For parents:

• “Siblings of Children with Autism: A Guide for Families” by Sandra Harris
• “Thicker Than Water” by Maureen F. McHugh and Robert A. Naseef

Online Resources for Autism Sibling Support

Organization for Autism Research:

• Free sibling workbooks and guides
• Research-based family support resources
• Website: researchautism.org/families/sibling-support

Autism Society:

• Family support information
• Local chapters may offer sibling programs
• Website: autism-society.org

Sibling Support Project:

• National sibling support network
• Sibshops (recreational support groups for siblings)
• Website: siblingsupport.org

Maryland-Specific Autism Family Support

Pathfinders for Autism:

• Maryland-based autism support organization
• Family events and resources
• Sibling support programs
• Website: pathfindersforautism.org

Autism Society of Maryland:

• Family support services
• Educational workshops
• Community connections
• Website: autismsocietymd.org

Maryland Autism Waiver:

• Respite care services
• Family support options
• Information: Maryland Department of Health

Creating a Family Culture of Openness in Autism Families

Beyond specific strategies, creating an overall family environment where everyone feels valued requires intentional effort.

Regular Family Meetings

Structure that works:

• Weekly or bi-weekly meetings
• Everyone gets a turn to talk
• Celebrate good things that happened
• Discuss challenges or schedule changes
• Solve problems together
• End on a positive note

Benefits:

• Creates routine space for communication
• Everyone’s voice matters equally
• Problems are addressed proactively
• Siblings see you value their input

Celebrating Everyone’s Achievements

Make a big deal about all children:

• Display artwork and achievements from all children
• Celebrate report cards and accomplishments equally
• Attend events for all children
• Share exciting news about each child with extended family
• Take photos and create memories for all children

Why this matters:

• Sends clear message that everyone matters
• Prevents feelings of invisibility
• Creates positive family memories for all children
• Balances the attention autism naturally demands

Modeling Healthy Self-Care

Your siblings are watching how you cope:

• Take care of your own physical and mental health
• Ask for help when you need it
• Set boundaries with extended family or demands
• Pursue your own interests and relationships
• Talk about your feelings appropriately

The message this sends:

• It’s okay to have needs
• Self-care isn’t selfish
• Asking for help is strength, not weakness
• Everyone deserves support and care

You’re Building Something Important: Final Thoughts on Supporting All Your Children

If you’re reading this article, you’re already thinking deeply about how to support all your children well. That awareness and intention matter more than you know.

Will you get it perfect? No. None of us do. There will be times when your child with autism needs urgent support and siblings have to wait. There will be missed events, interrupted conversations, and moments where it truly isn’t fair. Your child with autism will have real, pressing needs that require immediate attention. That’s the reality of autism, and it’s okay.

But perfect isn’t the goal. The goal is creating a family where every child knows, deep in their bones, that they matter. Where your neurotypical children understand their sibling’s needs are real and valid, and their own needs are equally important. Where your child with autism has siblings who genuinely love and understand them, not just tolerate them.

Your neurotypical children need to know:

• They are loved completely for who they are
• Their needs and feelings matter just as much
• Having complicated feelings is normal and okay
• Their sibling isn’t getting special treatment, but necessary support
• They’re not responsible for being therapists or caretakers
• They can have their own life and future
• Their relationship with their sibling is valuable and important

Your child with autism needs:

• Siblings who understand and accept them
• Natural opportunities for social interaction and play
• Family members who see their strengths, not just challenges
• A home environment where everyone’s needs are balanced
• Advocates who genuinely know and love them

When you support your neurotypical children well, you’re not taking anything away from your child with autism. You’re creating an environment where both children can thrive and build a genuine, lasting relationship that will benefit them both throughout their lives.

The fact that you’re seeking information on how to support all your children better shows you’re already doing many things right. Keep going. Your efforts to create balance and understanding matter deeply, even when it doesn’t feel like enough.

And remember: asking for help isn’t failure. It’s wisdom. If your family is struggling, reach out. Talk to your child’s ABA therapists about supporting siblings. Connect with other autism families. Consider family counseling. Join support groups. Read books. Try new strategies. Build your village.

You don’t have to do this alone, and neither do your children.

Supporting the Whole Family: How The Learning Tree ABA Can Help

The Learning Tree ABA understands that autism touches every member of the family. While we provide comprehensive ABA therapy for children with autism throughout Maryland, we also recognize that strong families require attention to everyone’s needs.

When siblings feel understood and supported, they become powerful advocates and genuine companions for their brothers and sisters with autism. Our family-centered approach considers the whole family’s wellbeing, helping create environments where every child can thrive.

Serving Maryland families in:

• Baltimore County
• Montgomery County
• Howard County
• Prince George’s County
• Carroll County

Contact us to learn how our collaborative approach can support your entire family.

Frequently Asked Questions About Supporting Siblings of Children with Autism

How do I explain autism to my neurotypical child?

Start with age-appropriate, concrete explanations that focus on your child with autism as a whole person. For young children, simple language like “Your sister’s brain works differently, which makes some things harder and some things easier for her” works well. Use examples from their daily life, such as explaining sensory sensitivities by relating them to experiences your neurotypical child has had. As children mature, provide more detailed information about autism spectrum disorder, always emphasizing strengths alongside challenges. The key is starting conversations early, answering questions honestly, and revisiting the topic as understanding grows.

Is it normal for siblings to feel jealous of the attention their brother or sister with autism receives?

Yes, jealousy is a completely normal feeling for siblings of children with autism. Your neurotypical child isn’t being selfish or unkind when they feel this way. Children need to understand that all their feelings are valid, even when those feelings seem contradictory. They can love their sibling deeply AND feel frustrated about missed opportunities or divided attention. The important thing is validating these complex feelings without shame, helping them understand why their sibling needs different supports, and ensuring they receive their own dedicated attention through protected one-on-one time with parents.

How much should siblings be expected to help with their brother or sister with autism?

Siblings should be siblings, not caretakers. Healthy sibling support includes playing together when both children want to, occasionally helping when asked by a parent, and looking out for each other in age-appropriate ways. Unhealthy caretaking includes being left in charge, feeling responsible for preventing meltdowns, consistently missing their own activities to watch their sibling, or always translating and advocating without choice. Children need to be children, not junior therapists. While teaching kindness and cooperation is important, excessive caregiving responsibilities can lead to resentment and interfere with normal development.

What are the warning signs that my neurotypical child is struggling?

Watch for behavioral changes like acting out, regression to earlier behaviors, or increased withdrawal from family and friends. Emotional indicators include frequent sadness, statements like “nobody cares about me,” anxiety about family situations, or physical complaints without medical cause. Academic and social changes such as declining grades, avoiding friends, or not wanting to invite people home are also red flags. Surprisingly, the “overly perfect” child who never complains, takes on excessive responsibility, and hides all needs can be just as concerning as the child who acts out, as they’re suppressing normal emotions.

How can I balance attending both children’s events when they conflict?

Make your neurotypical child’s events a non-negotiable priority by planning ahead for coverage of your child with autism. Work with your partner, use respite care services, trade childcare with other autism families, or consider Maryland Autism Waiver respite services if enrolled. Have backup plans for behavior emergencies but communicate clearly about your commitment to attend. Follow through whenever humanly possible, and when you truly cannot attend, apologize genuinely and make it up specifically rather than with vague promises. Your neurotypical child needs to see their achievements matter equally.

Should I include my neurotypical child in ABA therapy sessions?

Generally, siblings should be included in understanding their brother or sister’s therapy, not participating as co-therapists. Age-appropriately share what their sibling is working on, explain why certain strategies help, and let them see progress and celebrate achievements together. However, avoid making siblings responsible for teaching, implementing therapy programs, or turning their relationship into a therapeutic intervention. Natural sibling play and interaction are more valuable than structured teaching. If your ABA provider suggests sibling involvement, ensure it focuses on building understanding and connection rather than creating caregiving responsibilities.

How do I help my child explain their sibling’s autism to friends?

Provide age-appropriate language that emphasizes strengths while explaining differences. Scripts like “My brother has autism, so his brain works differently. Some things are harder for him, like loud noises, but he’s really good at remembering things” work well. Most importantly, give siblings choice about what and how much to share. They should never feel obligated to educate everyone they meet. Validate any embarrassment they feel without shame, help them understand their sibling’s perspective, and build pride alongside empathy. Authentic advocacy comes from genuine understanding, not forced explanations.

What resources are available in Maryland specifically for siblings of children with autism?

Maryland offers several sibling-specific resources including Pathfinders for Autism (pathfindersforautism.org), which provides Maryland-based family programs and events. The Autism Society of Maryland (autismsocietymd.org) offers family support services and educational workshops. Many schools throughout Baltimore, Montgomery, Howard, Prince George’s, and Carroll counties have sibling support programs. The national Sibling Support Project (siblingsupport.org) hosts Sibshops – recreational support groups that combine peer support with fun activities. Additionally, the Organization for Autism Research offers free downloadable sibling workbooks for different age groups.

At what age should I start talking to siblings about their brother or sister’s autism?

Start age-appropriate conversations as early as possible, before questions become misconceptions. Even young children (ages 3-4) notice differences and benefit from simple explanations like “Your sister’s brain works differently.” Waiting until children are older often means they’ve already formed incorrect conclusions or absorbed negative attitudes. Early, ongoing conversations build understanding naturally and prevent the development of resentment or fear. Adjust the depth and detail of information as children mature, always answering questions honestly and revisiting topics as their comprehension grows.

How do I prevent my neurotypical child from becoming a parentified sibling?

Set clear messages about healthy sibling roles: “You’re the brother/sister, not the parent. That relationship is special and important.” Never leave siblings in charge of managing behaviors or preventing meltdowns. Ensure they’re not consistently missing their own activities to watch their sibling. Give them explicit permission to say no to helping and to focus on their own needs. Monitor for children who never refuse to help or who have taken on excessive responsibility. Ask directly: “Do you feel like you have to take care of your sister?” If the answer suggests parentification, immediately adjust family dynamics and consider professional support.

Will my neurotypical child resent their sibling with autism later in life?

When siblings receive adequate support, understanding, and individual attention, they typically develop strong, positive relationships with their brothers and sisters with autism. Research shows that well-supported siblings often become powerful advocates who maintain close relationships into adulthood. Resentment usually develops when siblings feel neglected, parentified, or when their needs are consistently dismissed in favor of their sibling’s autism-related needs. The key is ensuring your neurotypical child feels equally valued, has their own identity and life, receives honest information about autism, and knows their complex feelings are valid.

What if my neurotypical child doesn’t want to spend time with their sibling with autism?

This is normal and should be respected, not forced. Siblings need their own space, friends, and activities separate from their brother or sister. Forcing interaction creates resentment rather than genuine connection. Instead, create opportunities for natural connection around shared interests both children enjoy. Never guilt siblings into playing together or make them feel selfish for wanting separate time. The goal is authentic relationship, not forced togetherness. As siblings mature and feel their own needs are met, they’re more likely to naturally seek connection with their brother or sister.

Should I tell my neurotypical child about future care responsibilities?

Yes, have honest conversations appropriate to their age about long-term planning. Most importantly, reassure siblings they are not automatically responsible for lifelong care of their brother or sister. Discuss options like group homes, supported living arrangements, and guardianship. Make it clear that they get to choose their level of involvement as adults and that it’s completely okay to live their own life. These conversations reduce anxiety about the future and prevent siblings from making major life decisions (like career choices or where to live) based on assumed obligations that don’t actually exist.

How can I ensure both my children feel equally loved when autism requires so much attention?

Children don’t need equal time – they need to feel equally loved and valued. This comes from ensuring your neurotypical child has predictable, protected one-on-one time with each parent, celebrating their achievements with equal enthusiasm, attending their important events, validating all their feelings, and helping them understand that different needs require different supports without making them feel less important. It’s also crucial to explain WHY their sibling needs more time and attention in ways that build understanding rather than resentment. Most importantly, when you’re with your neurotypical child, be fully present – no phone, no distractions, entirely focused on them.

What should I do if I notice my neurotypical child showing signs of depression or anxiety?

Take these signs seriously and act promptly. Start by creating dedicated time to talk about their feelings without judgment or dismissal. Validate their emotions and let them know it’s normal to struggle with family dynamics. However, persistent sadness, anxiety that interferes with daily life, changes in eating or sleeping, physical complaints, or any mention of self-harm requires professional support. Seek a therapist experienced with family dynamics and autism families who can provide individual counseling for your child. Family therapy can also help address dynamics affecting everyone. Don’t wait for signs to become severe – early intervention makes a significant difference.

How do I handle situations when my child with autism’s behavior embarrasses their sibling in public?

Validate your neurotypical child’s embarrassment without shame: “It’s okay that you felt embarrassed. Lots of siblings do sometimes.” Help them understand their sibling’s perspective: “Your brother wasn’t trying to embarrass you. He was overwhelmed and needed help.” Build pride alongside empathy by noting when they handle situations with compassion: “I noticed you helped your sister find a quiet spot. That was really caring of you.” Provide them with simple, strength-based explanations they can use if friends ask questions, but never require them to explain or educate. Most importantly, discuss these feelings privately, never in front of their sibling with autism.

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